Uglification is now my sole purpose for the rest of the year. I hope you realize just how special you are, even if you look like some alien lizard creature right now, you…you…
Mommy’s on her way to being freakin’ ugly just for you. And when you grow into a whiny, rebellious acne-faced emo teener brat, think of what I’ve sacrificed just for you.
I’m turning myself into a tub of lard and I’m going to be happy about it!
I’m in a drastic weight gain program. Duh, in my first check up last week at this generic clinic at the mall, I weighed in at 98 pounds and I was like, woah, this is a record! And how fast the creature made me fat. I thought I was about 90. And then two days after, I weighed in my OB-Gyn’s clinic and I was only 86. I still fit in my clothes so the second probably was the accurate one, which scared me a bit because Doc S says that I’m prone to miscarriage given that I am way underweight. Suddenly, it’s a problem. Weight was something I never really thought about before. We don’t even have a weighing scale back home. Do I have parasites? Baby has a twin tapeworm?
So now, everything’s supersized.
Me doing the crazy juggernaut bingeing. Started about a week ago, eating a 3-patty burger at the Burger King, doubling my rice intake, eating breakfast, plus a big snack in the afternoons when I get home and a big dinner afterwards. This was what probably Renee Zellweger did to prepare for her role as Bridget Jones. But I still look the same. Shouldn’t I gain about 5 pounds by now? Most people would call me lucky.
I’m not sure if I’m eating healthy right now, though. I attempted to. I bought lotsa snacky soups at the Healthy Options but just one serving of that expensive dull liquid stuff brought tears to my eyes. How depressing. Yey. Doc S. prescribes lots of ice cream for now, until I swell into a hundred pounds, so I’ll just turn to gross healthy food after the first trimester. That’s a promise! I can’t have the baby growing more than 6 pounds if I want baby to make a natural grand entrance to the world.
I do miss coffee. Just thinking about that rich,hot, dark, bittersweet liquid gold brings tears to my eyes.
Say goodbye to a lot of things, M. Now that’s a good girl.
Goodbye, coffee. Goodybe, sushi. Goodbye, yummy monosodium glutamate. Goodbye, my 86-90-pound body. Goodbye, cheekbones. Goodbye, wasp-waist. Goodbye, skinny jeans.
Hello, platter face.
Hello, exercise ball tummy.
Really, I’m soooo happy about this. Some people would kill to just drink this cold, chocolate cream chip from Starbucks, but well, here I am, sipping with no care, no effort at all. Happy.